Yeah, you know.

Don't plan for the future, and don't remain in the past. Focus on the present and in making this moment last.

Belonging to this place we think we so justly deserve. Our home, a broken state.
With in congruent tongue, almost foreign in dialect  We've made widely known our presence. Still, somehow we fail to explain any possible reason to hold any true faith that isn't already dormant in our minds from times passed by. Most likely harken to a song of a washed away world we chose to ignore without a second thought. Soon enough it will reveal itself in a day mare we all experience, believing in it. Leaving our childish minds to decease. It will teach us one thing, it's only promise. A guarantee that things will never be the same. We will manifest it into a horror. I hope we're not the last ones standing as it takes it's exacting clench over the earth. All of the pieces will fit to all of us so perfectly. We believe we will all be the change that the world truly needs. Leaving us to realize it's just another incident of distorted thought from wasted youth. Only with absolute ubiquity of humanity will we find the key to a true providence. There you will find us, as we came: to bear witness, and ultimately behold a common conception of truth so fervently. It is in that moment that we, as a whole heart of man kind will we begin our indoctrination along with defeat. In the light of a lesser absence we will taste our mentors do not linger in this place. For they are the inference, and they will take shape of our conceived truth.

I stutter as the world outside me came to our doorstep in the rain.
Harbored though violence. the sky holds contempt for me with snarled up.
Suppressed yourself, suppression is the only answer to times like this.
So the rain came crashing down with revenge in its gaze unlike something i have seen before. I felt a friction in the air begin to rise. Atmosphere berates my courage through thick and thin, it made no difference to it. At times I wish for the lucid dreams, but receive no less than ignorance. I ventured out to what seems apocalypse. A step forward reveals an exponential makeshift of panic. The sky bleeds a disgrace upon all patrons, and we look upwards in distress And the rain sank like daggers into the earth. My hair lifts and my skin dances on edge. My pupils dialate to distance because the sources introduced itself in cursive horror. My consciousness convulsed merciless, it's merciless. It personified me, it personified me so perfectly. Blank is the word for portrait i see, and its difference is likely visionary to what we've ever looked for and what we've ever found. I have been sent into a working machine again. A glance at the wretched hieroglyphic sends me into a place i haven't been in years. A place without fear.

'Hello?'
'Danny! What are you doing!?'
'Just watching a movie. What's up?'
'Oh, should I let you just go then?'
'Hell no! I've seen this movie like 43 times. Well, 44 now.'
'Oh, haha okay! Listen I'm down the street from Hayward dropping my friend off in San Leandro. want me to just pick up and you can come along then we'll go somewhere afterward?'
'I'd love to do that'

There I was outside waiting, nervous and anxious, I waited with bated breath.
3 songs had played since I had stepped outside.
Then I saw her. My heart sank like a bridge burned straight to the ground. Arson. She stops. I stop. Remember to breathe. Freeze. Frozen.
I had never been so stricken in my life.

You ever heard people talk about a woman and how they bask in her presence? How she can radiate such a feeling to you, it almost leaves you breathless? heh, that's exactly what happened here.
She ran up to me and hugged me and I swear I fucking melted right then in her arms.
Cheesy, right? Maybe even a little cliche? Who cares. I liked it.

We take her friend home. Who, by the way, also has a fat crush on her. He stalls for just a few more moments with her in hopes of getting a chance. All to no avail.
We proceed to leave and I guide us through the winding, almost maze-like streets of the manor. We wind up near Holiday Bowl and go to a cheese steak shop. We get our food and we hit it off right there in front of everybody. We were touching, poking, hugging, and every other excuse you can humanly find to make contact with another persons skin.
At one point we stood next to each other and she tried to grab my stomach but was surprised at the lack of fat. (Which I think was a lie...by the way.) Constantly feeling and smiling at my physique. She was generous with her compliments on my solid, stiff, and muscular figure. All in front of the asian lady at the counter, the 2 cooks staring at us. The family of 6 eating at the table adjacent to our PDA. The 2 men near the drinks fixated on her body and my alarming ability to make a girl like that be with a guy like me.

We get our food and I take her to the Eden shoreline. A peaceful place for me. I have had nothing but good memories there and I like to go there when I write some song lyrics. We arrive and I noticed her lack of speech. We get there and I open the gate and let her in. We sit down right at the marsh. Even though it was just dinner it was so fucking sweet. We played, joked, laughed, listened to music, enjoyed each others company. All the while though I made sure to not fuck it up like I have with every other girl by putting moves on them. I kept it friendly. She was smart enough to notice. As we finished our food we walked to the park to alleviate the bloated feeling. We sat and watched the bright orange sun set on the stagnant city of Hayward and roamed the field together. Very trite movie scene type of shit.

I decided I wanted a drink. She loves beer, and lord knows I love alcohol. We go to CVS pharmacy to pick up her tattoo lotion then head out from there. We go to the 7-11 and I pick up two 40 oz of Mickeys. I had suggested on 4 but she claimed she did not want to get drunk. I respectfully, and silently, agreed on just one each. I pay for the drinks and we head back to my place.

My heart was beating out of my chest
She could give me a heart attack and I would still see her as the apple of my eye.
With every breath I wished my body to be broken over, and over again.
We arrive at the gate and I let her in.
We get to the house and we get situated, giving her the comfortable chair and foot rest.
We drank and talked. With my camera I stole a shot of her. From there the night progressed more and more with every sip of our drinks. Our temporary vitality from the drink that kept on giving.

We danced.
We slow danced.
We slow danced about 3 times.
I don't dance. Just so you know.
She really enjoyed Band of Skulls. I love that band.
At one point we noticed the time finally.
I wish I could have stopped the world just to continue our evening together.

I asked her what she wanted to do. i didn't even noticed we were holding each other as I asked her this. She stared deeply into my eyes and asked the same thing.
She decided she wanted to braid my hair. I said sure. I sat on the floor between her legs and she did just that.
Then it turned into a massage and holding and kisses on the neck. I asked her to stop, politely. I didn't want her getting the wrong impression. We got up and just chilled.
 I knew by then I had fucked up and made the wrong move. Against my own will my hands acted of their own accord once again and i had fallen victim to my primitive tendencies.
Should I continue with it? Should I just let it happen? Do I make a move? Do I kiss her? Do I back off?
Fuck.
I sure know how to fuck everything up, don't I? I guess that's why I pride myself on it so much. Cause I know it's so consistent.

I caught a few breaks and eventually I intentionally grabbed her. The emotion was there. She knew it as much as I. We both wanted it and we sank into each other. She creeped her mouth near my neck and began to bite.
I knew then there was no turning back. I didn't even mean to start anything, nor did I have any intent of anything happening that night.
I set out the sleeping arrangement and we kissed through the darkness and began to really understand a lot of things about each other.
She compliments me so frequently. Soft lips. Sexy hair. Strong body. Amazing touch. There were so many times I couldn't help but think she must be out of her mind. But we were both way too sober for me to really consider the option. Kissing turned to biting lips. Turned into kissing necklines and stomachs. Biting ears. Holding hands. Squeezing as our movements tightened our grip on each other. I asked every so often what she was thinking, what she wanted. If I should stop. She always pressed me forward.

She was cute in her ways. Catching her keeping her mouth shut with her hands. Slipping here and there. She was my angel and I had just caused a screw to come loose. Sure I was going to keep her intact.
I was left dazed. Numb almost.
It's not impossible to guess what ensued throughout the evening.
I definitely got more than I bargained for and cannot complain.


She has to be the cutest grave digger I've ever had.

I don't normally associate my feelings with any kind of memoir. You know? I'm very self reliant. Over the past few weeks, err, the past 2 months would be more appropriate? Anyway. I have a friend I've known since senior year of high school and I will admit I have had a mad crush on her since we met. I never bothered to look into it because she had a boyfriend and I had my own(at the time) amazing, beautiful girlfriend which kept me from having to run off.

Now me and my friend kept in touch over the years via text message and the few occasional phone calls. Nothing too big really. Then one day she got off FaceBook and I was kind of sad because I enjoyed being able to talk to her on a daily basis. She eventually came back to it and we hit it off one more time. I had also learned she was single! (As always, right?) Now I have been single for some time now. Since me and my last real girlfriend broke up last summer, I've only had 2 different girlfriends. Both of which were fucking just as crazy as their predecessors.
So I decided to just focus on me and working on my life and steer myself in the right direction. We got to talking, texting, calling each other a lot more now. So I had been working my way to (hopefully) some kind of relationship with her.

Now...I'm a firm believer in the ways gone by. I still believe in chivalry, I still get shy when girls make a move because they know I won't do it. I will rarely make a move on a woman. Excuse me, a lady. Because Breonna is a lady. She is not a girl, she is not an average woman. She's definitely a lady to the full extent.
I've never been treated so kindly, gently, or lovingly, by any one else on a first date. I've always extended my hand out to open doors, buy dinner, take us out somewhere. And even though she managed to sneak purchasing dinner I made sure to not let it happen again the rest of the evening.

As I just noticed, time kind of just shifted from when we were talking to the date itself. The whole thing came to be was she asked me if I wanted to be her date to her graduation, which I had to decline on a number of reasons. Another when she asked if I wanted to spend the 4th of July with her in Santa Cruz. I had agreed to do so in which I asked if I could buy the drinks. She agreed.
Well I called her June 30, a Thursday. Just to see if we still had plans. Iconically in her fashion of forgetfulness and stressful lifestyle she did forget but jumped at the first chance to tell me she will be in Hayward On the 2nd of July. I made subtle hints as to the two of us getting back together. She picked up on the signals pretty well and sure enough asked If we could hang out and I offered her to spend the night with me. She accepted and so began my Friday afternoon. It was late because I was so nervous that I couldn't sleep any nights prior to her arrival .
Come Saturday the 2nd and I was moving all gears and cogs of my machine. Showered, shaved, applied deodorant,

1:53 P.M.
"Oi, holler when you're ready to kick it, okay?"
Yes, sir!

2:00 P.M.
3:00 P.M.
4:00 P.M.
5:00 P.M.
5:30 P.M.
"Bosss I just got finished with my tattoo!"

'Oh fucking tight! How does it look?'
'Pretty good!!!'
'I'm so stoked for you and kind of jealous!'

6:30 P.M.
Incoming Call

It hasn't been that long since we last spoke about the father and the holy ghost. But it has been long since we last spoke of things that matter to us the most. The things we all clench to our chests, so tightly as to make sure nobody can take them. You know the feeling as something you've had for a long time. I know the feeling as safety. We all tell little lies to ourselves to keep the bad parts from coming in. I would know, I've fallen victim to such circumstances way too many times. You know what I'm talking about, people you meet on a daily basis. I can't say I blame any of you for being so closed off to everyone else. I see the reason why people build communities, and within them create substantially smaller groups. From which you can use as an exclusionary reason to keep others out. They weren't a part of the community as a whole, and second, they will never fit into the sub division within the community. So tell me then, why do we even bother making new friends? Is it to fill some void in our lives we can't find within our small, but well made, set of companions? I have never been a person in a functioning society. I don't plan on it, nor do I feel it will likely happen. Does that stop me from attempting to break the norm and enter another persons group? No, it does not. If anything, in any case, it drives people to try and become part of it even more. So much more in fact, they devote their time to this cause. They know it as much as I do. As much as any of us do. They want to be a part of something with a stable foundation. They may or may not have something solid already, but that doesn't stop us from wanting more. Nothing does. As people we always have a want for things we don't have. It's not human nature, it's not a widely accepted fact. But rather a broad generalization of our social expectancy. We all expect to be included in something when we have done nothing to deserve even a slight welcome into it. In this new time we all know one thing is always true, do not trust anybody. Can you explain to me why this has come to be? My theory lies in cohorts with an old friend of mine. She believed that every man wanted the same thing from her, and she only wanted the same thing from one man. When she found that man, he did not live up to her expectations, at least not aesthetically. which brings up further questions. How can you trust somebody you want, but not when they are what you need? Because, just like the rest of people, we see only the outside layer of everything. We do not choose to scratch beneath the surface. We trust what we see, and what we see is what we are.

I'll stay for another ten or twenty. But first let me say good bye to the ground as i float up into this next feeling. What you consider an alternate to your reality is just another version of them, you, and me. As I stare up at the ceiling I know everything we need is quickly leaving. We're all just passengers of this vessel, our resources depleting too slowly. It's all too trite and worn out with the things we've said, so what separates us now from the dead? Am I just fucked up and senseless now because the world has stolen my heart? have we forgotten proper perspective? just smile, swallow and repeat.