You know what? Hamburger helper isn't truly my friend these days. Every time I have had it it makes my stomach want to explode.

So I have a question.
If I want to spend thanksgiving with friends or my girlfriend or whatever, but with people i enjoy being around all the time, and NOT with my family for once in like 3 years. Apparently i'm a bad person? how, and why? fuck if i know.
It doesn't even make sense. It's not like we do anything special here anyway. It's always the same shit. We fucking sit down watch stupid ass tv and talk about shit that doesn't even matter in each others lives and pretend to care for one day out of the fucking year.

Fuck that.
I have every right to be selfish here. Considering the fact that I never get to even BE selfish for more than 5 seconds out of the week.

I fucking sit here on my ass literally 5 days of the week against my own will.
Because everything that I want to do with my friends on a regular fucking weekday happens before 5 pm, i'm not allowed to go?
Because my stupid sister had to get pregnant and have a baby irresponsibly? No, i'm sorry. life doesn't work that way. In fact, wait until i get a fucking job. I'm moving with Jessica and forgetting all of this shit and leaving it behind.

They can all be left for dead in a ditch for all I care lately. Because nobody cares to ever ask me if I have plans.
Just cause your life is a meaningless excuse to live daily day-to-day for some shitty job you hate, and to come home to the same shitty house.
Doesn't necessarily mean i want that for myself. I want something more
i dont care how selfish it sounds to say that. I have no problem admitting that.
I've had to deal with people's shit for all of my life and then some.
And then to get reminded of my own mistakes on top of that? One's that i've already admitted to repeatedly time after time?
Excuse me, but no. I don't want to give people that satisfaction of dragging me down with them. I've always promised myself that i would be so much more than all of this right now and i'm going to fucking break myself to make it a fucking reality.

God damn. I seriously just can't do anything right. Even when I try really hard to. I just wish she could honestly see how much I totally love her you know?

Jessica Elizabeth Coleman. I love you more than I can express in the form of words. Far more than I enjoy playing xbox at home, sometimes even more than being home alone.
Which is a lot to say.

But I guess even the nicest of people fuck up royally, right?
I'll just hang my head down and take the blame.I mean what else am I to do? I obviously did these things. I never thought anything of them and its like my luck to go and backfire and fuck me right over as expected with anything else.

Anyway. thankfully nobody ever reads this, otherwise i just might have to commit suicide twice.

...So my time for writing has come once more.

I'd like to begin by saying that last night i made about 3085039 trips to the bathroom.
Seriously.
I can't believe it! Haha, it's pretty embarrassing to be discussing this online. But what do I do? I'm just a regular american youth. Haha.

Gaaaah.
Things with the lady still aren't too bright. But they seem to be picking up somewhat accordingly. Other than that, things are actually all right for once.
I mean like...for the most part. I stlil hate everything, and everyone and everywhere.

Gaaaasfjshfsf. time for some Gears of War 2©
And some thursday while I play.

Gah, i fucking hate applying for things online.

I was about to be finished applying for toys r us and all of a sudden the fucking shit had to go and tell me "please restart your application."

What the hell.

Whatever the fuck you're thinking, please stop.

It sucks really hard, and it makes me feel terrible. god tonight is such a fucking failure on so many levels.

It is truly a fucking shame that i can hold a conversation with somebody 10,000 miles away and fumble my words for somebody barely 5 feet from me.

Gaaaaah.

this song from portal "Still Alive" it has become really fun to play. I'm very excited to record both vocals and guitar and post it online.

Okay, official.

I guess it really is bad to kind of look like I don't hold anything close to me or even dear to me.
Like...Bad to act as if I don't give a shit about anything, yet at the same time i'm screaming out and wishing death upon everyone.

Last night kind of opened up my eyes when i binged my ever constant thoughts onto Jessica over the phone. It sucked so much that I almost cried out of pure hatred for my life. And the fact that I knew how miserable i really was but never bothered to let anybody know.

It's a strange feeling I'll say. Above all else I swear to hell there was somebody listening to me the whole from somewhere and it felt awkward as fuck.

I guess it still feels weird opening up to people like that. Even someone like her, who I honestly feel like shit with. I always feel like selfish if i try telling people that garbage.

Go ahead and get me wrong, i'd rather not be gotten right.

yesterday was a plethora of juxtapositions and misinterpretations and failure.

Followed by like....massive confusion,


Ugh, today is dragging on. I just want it to be tomorrow already, super nice day to myself and maybe even my guitar and some friends, who knows?

Ugh, week 3 of depression.

Who knew that people really could impact ones life like this?
I always thought those people were lying and just over reacting.
Here i sit waiting for a word hidden amongst the clouds to take me back from here.

Ah....halloween.

My nose is still runny :/